b for bipolar

2003-06-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

now i know why i hate you.

you never let me be me.

2003-05-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

everything gold will stay.
maybe we can work this out.
i know.
i'm sorry.
but please?

2003-05-12T07:49:00.000-07:00

there was a fucking flirt who grabbed people by the hand and made them feel special.

my heart goes bang bang, boom.

2002-12-12T03:33:00.000-08:00

can't believe (how much) i love you

2002-12-09T06:22:00.000-08:00

B's polyamorous theory:

i can't get what i want, so i become polyamorous. but i'm never gonna get what i want anyway, so i'm polyamorous. polyamorous, polyamorous, polyamorous.

it's a way of life.

2002-11-15T09:23:00.000-08:00

what it's meant to be,
what you mean to me.

she turned to look at him for the last time. he wasn't crying. nor was he smiling. he reached into his pocket and groped a rectangular object. it was a block of wood with her name inscribed onto it. he ran his fingers over each letter of her name slowly. he did that thrice, then he clutched it. she gave it to him some 3 months ago, and today he intended to return it to her. of course, it would mean nothing to him anymore. and yet he clutched on.
he had nothing else to say. even when she asked him if he did. he only looked at her straight in the eyes. those beautiful eyes. just as his head began to sink, she forced a smile which implied she had to leave. she must have noticed his head sinking. he ran his fingers over the block of wood once more, while watching her walk away. he saw that she had cut her hair. and he smiled, remembering how he told her he loved her long hair. he took out the block of wood and stared at her name. he brought it to his lips and gave it a kiss. and then he tucked it into his pocket once again.

2002-11-09T18:47:00.000-08:00

note to self: don't worry, i won't kill you.

2002-11-05T23:56:00.000-08:00

disjoint

take a drink from my wrist - push me against the wall - slap me hard - suck my wrist again -

2002-11-01T09:07:00.000-08:00

quote of the week: Ben. Don't kill yourself.

2002-10-31T18:38:00.000-08:00

not dignity, but rather status is what plays a large role in today's lives. where would you draw the line between what is good and what is respectable/lookupto-able. you might make a wrong choice because you want others to admire/envy you and not realise it till your mistake slaps you hard in the face, left AND right. and then you scorn at those who made you make that wrong choice cos there's nothing else you can do. apart from feeling immensely sorry for yourself.

2002-10-30T01:20:00.000-08:00

there is no time. and there is no right or wrong. [there are just things you do and things you don't do] don't have any regrets. [i don't] there is only life. even if for just a short while. life is immeasurable by time, nor is anything because time doesn't exist. everything is just a progression in itself and time is but a superficial mode of accounting for this natural progression. in the end, all that has happened are events, and all this while time neither passed us by, nor stood still. it never was there.

time is man-made.

2002-10-24T08:40:00.000-07:00

will somebody please explain to mommy the jc system? it's exactly why i don't bother telling her my grades, or ever intend to explain to her. and my dad will have my head if he hears my grades anyway. so, basically i can't talk to anyone at home. my sister excluded. i just talk to her, but not about what i'd like to. my brother, i never know where he is. and we don't usually 'talk' for some dumb reason.

...and all i have is my music.

2002-10-24T08:32:00.000-07:00

b for bother.

2002-10-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

it didn't work out cos you never would let it.

2002-10-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

i want someone to hold. that's all. nothing else. don't have to love me. just, let me hold you. rub my hair in. lend me your lap. i'll quietly fall asleep. then when i do you can push me away to the floor or something. just this once.

2002-10-14T21:23:00.000-07:00

life sucks and so do you.

2002-10-14T20:57:00.000-07:00

mantra

i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can't take care of myself
i can take care of myself
no, i can't take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
no, i can't take care of myself
i can't take care of myself
no, i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can't take care of myself
no, i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can't take care of myself
no, i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can't take care of myself.

no, i can take care of myself.

2002-10-14T00:07:00.000-07:00

i still wish i should.

2002-10-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

people are... inadequate. what annoys me about them is the way they don't appreciate the things i do. i could snap, i could yell, i could be an impudent bitch. but i don't and they don't seem to be aware of that. i usually don't mind making things run smoothly, if all it's gonna cost is me suffering and no one else. but if they don't even appreciate that then why bother?

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit

Bother ~ Stone Sour

2002-10-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

till you leave

won't you come and rescue me,
i'm cold and bored and i can't breathe.
i'm alone in my room i want to share
with you this secret world of my despair.
the key's on the door ledge,
take it and come in, won't you.
i see a shadow from beneath,
i know it's you that i see.
you gently touch the knob to check
if it's still locked.
it is.
the light chases away the shadow,
and once again just like before,
i'm alone in my room.
wanting to share, soon.
i try to sleep my thoughts away,
but the devil that is in me is here to stay.
i am awake and i want you to enter.
i stare hard at the door and imagine it stutter.
then now i hear the jangling of keys;
the sweet sound of my worries released.
i sham my eyes to be shut,
and you leave thinking i'm asleep already.
but i smile to myself, for now
there is no devil and i hug my pillow
and i kiss it and fall asleep.

2002-10-12T23:31:00.000-07:00

ha, you can't lie to me. i know everything about you. i know you too well.

2002-10-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

this is a wonderfully healthy way of developing your second personality. cos it forces you to think of stuff your second personality, and only the second personality would say to write down. this way, you give him a unique identity, totally different from the first guy. this gulf in thought would lead, inevitably, to a well-defined disorderly unipolar being, essentially governed by two singularly epicene manics.

2002-10-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

i am a sucker for the happiness i gain from being with other people. that explains a lot about me. i should stop doing it though. it can be a nasty habit.

2002-10-12T09:26:00.000-07:00

i think it's damn stupid for people to write poems or songs about how they've picked up or recovered from having their hearts broken. 'i now realise i don't need you anymore, i am strong and blah blah.' all that. it's expected of you, don't you know? you pick yourself up anyway, and quietly move on. there's nothing proud in being strong, cos you simply have to be. have to. you just move on and no questions asked.

2002-10-09T07:05:00.000-07:00

i don't know what i have this blog for. i already have a portfolio of misery paraphernalia. it's the first thing you see when you enter my room.

2002-10-09T07:01:00.000-07:00

dedication to the first girl that made me blush

i hate everything about you.
fuck you. i never wanted this in the first place.
i remember that.
i will remember that, forever.
it can't always be about you. what about me?
i've found me. i was waiting at the end of you.

2002-10-08T22:04:00.000-07:00

When you're on, I swear you're on.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
I think the whole room can hear me clear my throat.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.
Then out of nowhere, put me right back there.
Rip my heart out, you rip my heart right out.
And we know what happens when we get to your house.
Rip my heart out, you'll rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.
I throw away everything I've written you.
Oh anything just keep my mind off of it, thinking how I had you once.
No, I can't forget that.
Sometimes I wish I could lose you again.
You're winning me over with everything you say.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
When I let you closer, I only want you closer.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
Yeah, if you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.
If you love me at all..

jimmy eat world - your house

2002-10-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

you are born; call me mommy.