:: b for bipolar ::

:: Wednesday, October 16, 2002 ::

i want someone to hold. that's all. nothing else. don't have to love me. just, let me hold you. rub my hair in. lend me your lap. i'll quietly fall asleep. then when i do you can push me away to the floor or something. just this once.
:: benjamin 7:16 AM [+] ::
...

life sucks and so do you.
:: benjamin 9:23 PM [+] ::
...

mantra

i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can't take care of myself
i can take care of myself
no, i can't take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
no, i can't take care of myself
i can't take care of myself
no, i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can't take care of myself
no, i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can't take care of myself
no, i can take care of myself
i can take care of myself
i can't take care of myself.

no, i can take care of myself.
:: benjamin 8:57 PM [+] ::
...

i still wish i should.
:: benjamin 12:07 AM [+] ::
...

people are... inadequate. what annoys me about them is the way they don't appreciate the things i do. i could snap, i could yell, i could be an impudent bitch. but i don't and they don't seem to be aware of that. i usually don't mind making things run smoothly, if all it's gonna cost is me suffering and no one else. but if they don't even appreciate that then why bother?

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit

Bother ~ Stone Sour
:: benjamin 12:04 AM [+] ::
...

till you leave

won't you come and rescue me,
i'm cold and bored and i can't breathe.
i'm alone in my room i want to share
with you this secret world of my despair.
the key's on the door ledge,
take it and come in, won't you.
i see a shadow from beneath,
i know it's you that i see.
you gently touch the knob to check
if it's still locked.
it is.
the light chases away the shadow,
and once again just like before,
i'm alone in my room.
wanting to share, soon.
i try to sleep my thoughts away,
but the devil that is in me is here to stay.
i am awake and i want you to enter.
i stare hard at the door and imagine it stutter.
then now i hear the jangling of keys;
the sweet sound of my worries released.
i sham my eyes to be shut,
and you leave thinking i'm asleep already.
but i smile to myself, for now
there is no devil and i hug my pillow
and i kiss it and fall asleep.
:: benjamin 11:58 PM [+] ::
...